Karly,

Im running out of words to say. 

But then again, I MIGHT NOT be able to do so. 

Actually I have a lot of things to say to you. I don’t even know where to begin or how to address the things that I want to say. Because I might end up typing a lot of words, and this letter might turn in to a 10 pages letter. OA?! 

So first, I just want to say THANK YOU for putting up with all my dramas, my mistakes, my kaartehan and everything that’ll be too difficult for everyone to suck it in. Thank you for accepting me, my flaws. I know I’m not perfect and I never intended to be, not until the day I made that big mistake that both break our hearts and both hurt us in different ways. Thank you because you STAYED with me even if you know that you deserve someone else better. Even if we both know that things will be really difficult for us. Most especially for you. Thank you because from day one, up to this day, you never failed to show me how much you love me and how much I mean to you. Thank you for all the efforts, the lessons and the memories that we’ve shared. I know that for those three years, I may not be able to express how much you mean to me and how much I love you, believe me I do. Thank you because you taught me and made me feel the REAL and UNCONDITIONAL love I was looking for for the long time. Thank you because even if I wasted and took you for granted, you were still there. Thank you for supporting me in everything that I do, for understanding me even if I am at my worst and I am beyond understandable. Thank you because you you loved me at my best and at my worst. I couldn’t thank you enough for everything that you’ve done and that you’ve given to me. Thank you for making me a part of your family. For introducing me to your precious parents, for allowing me to be a part of your life and for giving me another chance to prove you that I love you.

If ever man na piliin mong lumayo at mag-isip. Gusto ko lang sabihin na THANK YOU for the chance that you’ve given me. I know marami akong pagkukulang at mali. Sa second chance na binigay mo, marami akong mga bagay na hindi ko nagawa na dapat kong gawin at gusto mong gawin ko. I’m sorry if I failed you and if you felt that I wasted the chance. Believe me or not. I gave you what I had and gave you the utmost and best effort I could give. But I guess the damage and the pain that I have caused you was so much that even if I did what I can do, kulang pa din. Or maybe, just maybe, you just didn’t see me changing. THANK YOU pa din ng sobra because of that chance. 

If ever man na piliin mo pa din ako, THANK YOU. THANK YOU SOBRA. Kasi kahit na sobrang sakit sayo, you still chose to be with me. Kahit na alam kong di mo na nakikita yung point na piliin ako, you still did and I’m beyond happy for that. Thank you. *speechless* 

Second, syempre gusto kong magsorry sa lahat ng nagawa ko. Sorry if I cheated on you. If I betrayed you. If I’ve taken you for granted. I know I was a jerk and I was stupid to do that to you. You didn’t deserve that and I dont deserve you in the first place. But you chose to give me a second chance. Tinanggap mo pa din ako even if it’s so hard for you to forget what I’ve done and what happened. I;m sorry for the times that I’ve let you down. Sorry, alam ko at nararamdaman ko kung gaano kita nadurog, kung gaano kita nasaktan, kung gaano bumaba yung self-confidence mo. This may seem so cliché, pero I swear, sobrang pinagsisisihan ko yun and if I could just turn back the hands of time, I will and I will not do it again. But then again, there are things that we cannot change and things that we cannot erase. So here I am trying so hard para makita mong nagsisisi ako. Sorry Love ha? Sorry kasi sa mga panahong dapat naging malakas ako, naging mahina ako. Nagpadala ako sa temptation. Sorry sa lahat ng nagawa ko. Sorry kung sobrang nagkukulang at nagkulang ako sayo, sorry kung may panahong hindi ko maparamdam sayo na mahal talaga kita. Im really sorry for all the pain, troubles and heartaches that I caused you. 

Third, it really hurts me to see you hurting. Syempre nasasaktan din ako ngayon kasi nararamdaman kong lumalayo ka na sakin. Na nagiging distant ka. Nung uminom kami nila Z and Jy dito. Kaya ako uminom noon kasi sobrang lungkot ko and I needed someone to talk to. Kelangan ko ng kausap kasi sobrang naguguluhan ako, sobrang nabigla din ako sa mga sinabi mo that night, sobrang nasaktan din ako kasi di ko alam na ganun na pala yung nararamdaman mo. Yun nga akala ko kasi okay tayo e. Akala ko masaya ka sakin. Pero hindi pala. Ako lang pala yung masaya, ako lang yung nagaakala. Nasasaktan ako kasi nararamdaman kong distant ka na. Yung pakiramdam na alam kong andyan ka pero di kita maramdaman. Yung pakiramdam na kausap kita pero hindi ikaw yung KARL na kausap ko. YUng pakiramdam na unti-unti ka na atang lumalayo sakin. I dont know if it’s just me or not. I don’t know if may nagbago o ako lang to, dahil sa sinabi mo. That night, nung nagiinuman kami, i was crying so hard to them. Kasi hindi ko talaga alam gagawin ko. Sabi ko sa kanila, natatakot ako ipush yung subject, unang una kasi natatakot ako sa sagot mo, pangalawa i don’t want to push the subject kasi di ako ready, ayoko ding isipin mo na pinupush ko yung subject kasi gusto ko yung thought na magccool off tayo, ayoko ding ipush yung subject because I don’t want to sound too desperate. Sabi ko sa kanila nung tinanong nila ako kung okay lang, kung gusto ko ba yung mangyayari if ever nakapagdecide ka na. Sabi ko, syempre ayoko. Ayokong maghiwalay tayo or magcool off. Ayoko talaga. Pero kung yun yung kelangan para maging maayos tayo, kung yun yung kelangan para maging masaya ka, kung yun yung ikasasaya mo willing naman ako. Sabi ko sa kanila, willing ako sa lahat ng mangyayari kahit ayoko. Kahit masakit. Kasi ayokong isipin mo na puro AKO. Ayokong magpakaselfish. Kasi all these time, you were thinking of me, and all these time pabor lahat sakin. For the past days and nights, the things you’ve said really haunted me. Hindi ako makatulog, naiiyak ako when thingking of all the possibilities. And no matter what I do, kahit maging sobrang magpakabusy ako. I kept thinking about it. And I don’t know how to stop it. Kaya kung napapansin mong sobrang bugnutin ko, sorry. I know I should’ve been more understanding. Pero nahihirapan lang ako.

Ayoko ding sobrang maghigpit sayo, kasi ayokong isipin mong di kita binibigyan ng time at sinasakalt kita, ayoko din namang masyadong hayaan ka kasi baka isipin mo na okay lang saking mawala ka. Hindi ko na talaga alam gagawin ko to be honest. Kasi feeling ko isang wrong move, everything will fall in to pieces. 

Nung gabing nagalit ka sakin kasi kachat ko si Robey, I chatted him kasi gusto kong marinig yung perspective niya. Nung una nga kampi siya sayo kasi akala niya di ako willing. Sabi ko sa kanya willing naman ako sa lahat ng gusto mong mangyari. I just dont know if I can handle the pain. Sabi pa niya na if this will be for the betterment of our relationship and our selves, mas okay nga. I didn’t lied you when I said I sent him a picture of something, the one that I sent to you that night din. I really did send that. Ayun, that night, I was in deeply hurt kasi nga I feel that you’re drifting apart, that’s why I got mad. I got madder because you just “seenzoned” me the next day. You acted as if nothing happened. Yung parang wala akong sinabi sa chat. Im not pushing you to have a decision that time. I just want you to at least tell me na nabasa mo and you acknowledged what you’ve read or something. 

What got me really angry is how you just let this thing pass, and didn’t even bother asking me why I was so cold to you. I didn’t even received any apology. On my part, i was really fighting the urge to text you, na makipagayos. Because for me, that meant na “okay lang, naglabas lang naman ako ng sama ng loob and he ignored it. Okay lang yun.” Kasi hindi talaga okay. I was devastated. Kasi nararamdaman ko na ngang lumalayo ka. Mas naramdaman ko pa kasi hindi mo man lang pinansin yung galit/inis ko non. 

 So this day, 10.10.14. Okay tayo. HIndi sobrang okay. Yung sakto lang. Nakailang sabi na ata ako ng I LOVE YOU sayo pero you didn’t replied anything. You keep on ignoring it. Another OUCH. Kasi nararamdaman ko na ngang lumalayo ka, mas naramdaman ko na ngang lumayo ka, now the only thing that I’m clinging to is your I LOVE YOUs but you can’t even say it to me. Syempre sobrang sakit kasi dati dati ikaw nauuna, pero ngayon hindi na. I don’t even know kung sinasadya mo ba or ayaw mo lang magsabi. 

I was on the verge of crying earlier sa bus kasi di mo talaga ako nirereplyan ng i love you. Sobrang nasasaktan lang ako. But it’s okay siguro I deserve this. Narealize ko lang na ganto kasakit yung nararamdaman mo nun. I know na hindi mo naman minemean or sinasadyang iparamdam sakin to ngayon e. Di mo din siguro gustong gawin to. Pero you’re unconsciously doing it. 

Fourth, syempre gusto ko lang malaman mo how much you mean the world to me. Kung gaano talaga kita sobrang kamahal. As in. Sobrang speechless ko, wala akong malagay dito kasi di ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko sayo without sounding to desperate that I want you to stay with me. I just wanna say that I love you so so so so so so so so so much and I’ll do anything and everything to make you happy. Even if it means giving up the things that are important to me and giving up the people I used to hang out with. Just to make you happy.

Lastly, whatever your decision is, I’ll always support you. Kung ano man yun, kung ano man yan. Di kita pipigilan. I will not force you to stay with me, nor force you to let go of me. I will not force you to do something that you do not want to do. I’ll always be here to support you just like how you support me in everything and anything I do. And know that I’ll patiently wait for you no matter how long it takes para makapagisip ka. And if ever, you realized that you’re happy just by yourself or with someone else, it’s okay. As long as you’re happy. Remember, MAS MAHALAGA YUNG KASAYAHAN MO kesa sa KASAYAHAN NG IBA. It’s time for me to give you the HAPPINESS THAT YOU REALLY DESERVE even if it means that I have to let you go. :) 

I love you Karl. :)