1.8.15

PM PM PM 

Last night Gab sent me a message in FB. He was apologizing because he felt guilty. Sya naman kasi yung way kung paano nagkakilala si Karl and the girl. At first I was really mad at him. Syempre, when you’re so clouded by an extreme emotion and bad thoughts, you’ll end up putting the blame to other people kahit na wala naman silang kasalanan. Pero yun nga, I realized that it wasn’t really his fault. Because he did not want it to happen or he didn’t even asked them to do it. They are responsible for the choices they’ve made so it was really not a big deal for me.

Ang gusto ko lang naman sabihin eh hindi ako galit sa mga tao. Like Dequi or Gab. Kasi it’s not their responsibility to say to Karl kung ano yung mali o tama. Kasi for God’s sake matatanda na kami. Alam na namin ang tama sa mali. It’s a matter of the choices we make, the decisions we make or what.

In short, e wag tangang magiging blinded by the emotions we are feeling. We should not make any decisions when we’re feeling an extreme emotion nor make a move kapag alam na may jowa na. Pwede namang makipag break, tapos magpahinga, tapos tsaka na gumora sa landi diba? At in short, wag sumira ng relasyon. It takes a lot of effort, time, understanding, patience and everything in between to make a relationship work. It takes a lot of investment to build a relationship. But it only takes one person to ruin a 3 year relationship. Or so.

So the bottomline is, walang matibay na relasyon, sa isang.. ummm…… babae? 

Bye.

1.9.15

I was contemplating  when I woke up late this evening. 

I still do think about you, I still do. But I'm no longer thinking about us getting back together. I'm just thinking about how are we gonna act when we see each other in the near future. 

Nope, i'm no longer clinging on to the words you've said or to the broken promises we've made. I'm just clinging on to the memories. Maybe, I'm still in love with you but not as much as before. Maybe I'm still in to you, but not as much as before. Slowly, by slowly, I'm falling out of love. Slowly by slowly, everything is fading. 

1.05.15

It was not a nightmare, but it feels like a nightmare. Every night, i always wake up in the middle of my sleep because i dreamt of you, of her, of us. 

And although it was just a dream, it seems like a nightmare. To dream of both of you. Happy, walking hand in hand. Caressing each other. 

How I envy her, because she took my place. And how i wish all these dreams would stop, i wish both of you would stop haunting me in my sleep.

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When you love a person.

When you love a person, you share not only yourself, but your heart, your soul and the things you love. You share those things to them because you wanted them to be in your world. You wanted them to experience what it feels like to be in your world. 

So you started showing and telling them what and why you love city lights. You show and tell them why you love fireworks or street foods, or art or doodle. You start making memories like watching city lights together, blinking right before your eyes, watching fireworks flash right before your eyes, eat street foods, make doodle or art for them. 

Then they leave you.

And you end up hating the things you love because those things that you love reminds you of him. Before, when you watch the city lights and fireworks, you feel happiness. But now, whenever you watch the city lights and fireworks, it brings back a lot of painful memories. 

So you started hating those things that you love. Hoping and wishing that you could turn back the hands of time that you shared to him the things that you love.

1.05.2015

When your person leaves you.

That’s the thing when your person leaves you. You’re left alone. You don’t know what to be or who to be, what to do, where to start. That’s the thing when your person leaves you. You don’t know how to be YOU because you’re so used to being an US. You’re used to being with that person. You’re used to their presence, how they make you feel so complete. How they fill those empty holes that you yourself cant fill. How they love what you cannot love about yourself and how they appreciate every single atom of your whole being.

That’s the thing when you’ve been an US for too long. You don’t know what YOU want. When you’re in a relationship for too long, you lose your individuality. You become used to being a WE. You forget what you want to do with your life, who you want to be, the places you want to go or the things you love. You forget to love yourself because you’re too busy planning your life with your person. You’re too busy loving that person, giving them all they need and they want. 

So that’s what happened when you revolve yourself, your life, around a person. When you become so fixated with the thought that you will end up together for the rest of your life. But when shit happens, you just don’t know how to deal with it. 

What remains to you is you yourself. Your broken soul, your defenses down, your broken self and your broken heart. So where do you start? How are you going to start to fix all the broken stuff inside you? When you’re so broken and jaded, and you’re left in this messy and dark world, something shuts off inside you. How are you going to pick up those tiny little pieces and fix yourself? 

They say that you should start fixing what you think the reason why your person left you. But that’s the thing. You don’t know what’s wrong with you or you feel like YOU yourself, your whole being is the reason why your person left you. That feeling when you’re so tired of pin pointing every single damn imperfection about your attitude and personality that you’ll end up blaming how you look or whatever that you don’t have that she does. That maybe, just maybe if you were like her, or you look like her or you act, speak, talk, move or whatever that makes her better than you, maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t leave you. But that’s the thing. You’re not her. You’ll never be her. No matter how you work hard to be a BETTER VERSION OF YOURSELF, you can never be like her. Yes, maybe you can be better than all the other people out there, but you can never be better like her. That’s why he chose her and not you. That’s why he left you for her. Because she’s wayyyyyy better than you. 

They say you should start fixing yourself, be a better version of yourself. So you try, you go hit the gym, you go socialize with other people, you go travel, wander. But at the end of the day, you feel so tired and you feel that something’s aching. But it’s not your body that aches, or your mouth or throat that aches from talking neither your feet that aches from walking and wandering around. It’s that pain that you’ve been trying to ignore for the whole damn day. 

So that’s the thing when you’re person leaves you. What’s left with you is you yourself. Your low self confidence and self esteem. Your broken heart and soul. Your broken defenses. And no words could suffice the pain that you’re feeling. 

01.04.15

I cannot wait for the time to come where all these sufferings and pain will be a laughing matter or whatever. I cannot wait for the time to come where I wouldn't think about you or us or the both of you. I cannot wait for the time to come where I can say that you don't matter and I don't care about you or I don't love you anymore. 

I know that this too shall pass. That my feelings for you will fade away. That all these things that matters, all the broken promises, all the lies, the pain and the sufferings will be forgotten 

I cannot wait for the time where I will no longer spend the rest of the day thinking about you, about us. 

I cannot wait to move on, to leave all these things behind. I cannot wait for that time, where I can finally say that I am no longer holding on to you or to whatever we had. 

And how I wish I could just turn back the hands of time. Maybe, just maybe I'll make it right. How I wish I've never done that, maybe I wouldn't feel this pain.

......

And how the three years was just easily forgotten. How just a few weeks ago you were telling me that you love me and that I was the girl you wanted to be with forever. How you said you love me and you'll never ever leave me nor cheated on me.

And how just a a few weeks of happiness and understanding could make you forget the three years of happiness, love, pain and everything in between.

Like right now I cannot really succumb the pain. That no matter how I think that one day I'llbe okay, wala e. Im still not. And how stupid of me for cheating on you, stupid of me for doing that to you. Stupid of me for not fighting........


But I did. In my little ways, in my own little ways.