Moving forward

I sent Karl a letter last time. After sending it I felt a little bit better. Then starting last 26 until tonight I was with my friends.


I admit that I still miss him and I still have this urge to talk to him. But just this evening, he pm-ed and texted me. So we were able to talk for a bit. I don't know but he wasn't the guy that I used to talk to. Suddenly I felt a bit off. Like, I was really turned off like he kept on saying bad words and it wasn't the gentle karl I used to know.

And there are a lot of things that he said that made me feel like we're not going to be together anymore. Just because I feel like i dont want us to be together anymore. Ewan. Ayoko lang. Haha stahp.

T_T

Dying to talk to anyone right now but I guess my friends are too tired listening to my dramas and to my endless stories and what nots about Karl and I. Di ko naman sila masisisi, kasi maski ako maririndi ako or what.


Actually as of now, I don't know if 'twas right to send that to Karl. I mean the letter of me wanting him to stop talking to me. I don't know. Kasi yun nga it dawned on me na hindi naman ako laruan na he'll get to talk to me whenever he just miss me? Diba.

Im not mad. Really. Ewan ko lang. I just can't fathom the pain anymore and I can't hang on to him just like that. When the only reassurance that I could get is his words. Words are words and actions are just actions.

Ewan. Hahaha. STAHP THINKING RIGHT!!!!

Last (?)

Hi Karl!

Sorry magsusulat nanaman ako ng mahabang letter at madramang letter sayo. I’ll try my best to make this as short as possible.

First of I just want to greet you a HAPPY NEW YEAR. I hope youll have a good year and a fresh start. 2014 wasn’t our year. Not only in relationship aspect pero individually hindi talaga eto yung year para satin. Too much heartache, stress and bullcrap.

Second, I’m greeting you in advance because I want to block all our communications. It’s really hard for me to talk to you or to think whether maguusap pa ba tayo the next day or not. I know that you’re taking your time to think seriously and I know that we’ve officially broke up. But then again, yung mga sinasabi mo it keeps me holding on and hoping that one day, you’ll choose me.

I’m not gonna block you sa facebook or anywhere. I just don’t want you talking to me again. Not because I don’t want to talk to you. Believe me I do! I’d love to tell you stories and shits. I’d love to know everything that you’ve been to just like before. But yun nga e, di na tayo tulad ng dati. Nahihirapan lang ako because I’m asking for signs to God if I should move on or not, and He always end up giving me a sign NOT TO GIVE UP. And I don’t know naguguluhan talaga ako as much as you do.

I just don’t want any form of communication from you right now. Kasi alam ko naman, deep down, talo na ko. You’ll choose her. Kasi sabi mo gusto mong bumalik sakin, pero there’s something that’s holding you back. Siguro si Sandy yun, or siguro yung tagal natin na nanghihinayang ka or what. Wag kang manghinayang, oo hindi biro yung three years, but siguro I cannot give the kind of quality ng relationship that Sandy could give to you. Nor the quality of happiness that she could give. Im sorry I failed on those parts. I tried, but I failed.

Yun nga, my main point here is that, please, if you’re not going to choose me, please don’t make it harder for me to move on. Please don’t give me something to hold on to because you’ve already given me tons of memories to hold on to which is definitely unbearable to handle.

I love you Karl, no doubt. I love you so much. But as much as I love you, sobrang nasasaktan na ko. As in. If you can’t choose me, then please, don’t give me reasons to hope na you will. Na I’ll still be the one that you will choose.

If it dawned on you one day na ako talaga and you’re really persistent and proved na ako na talaga, di ko ipagkakait yung chance na yun sayo. Di ako madamot Karl.

Basta yun lang. Kahit ito nalang yung ibigay mo sakin? A chance for me to move on with my life without you. A chance for me to face every tomorrow without you. A chance for me to be me without you.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Congratulations din OIC Padrigon :)

SIGNS

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!! :) 

This year's Christmas was probably the worst Christmas I've ever had. Not only was I a brokenhearted girl but I just can't feel the spirit of Christmas. Even my sister in law and my friends are telling me that this was probably their worst Christmas ever.

Anyways, so I'm here again to jot down my thoughts and feelings. 

Ayun so last December 23 before I go to sleep. I prayed to God. My usual routine before going to sleep. I asked for a sign. ANY SIGN from him. Kung anong gagawin ko. If I should totally move on or medjo umasa pa ko. Sabi ko kay Lord "Lord kayo na po bahala." 

Then came December 24, when I woke up I saw Karl liked my posts and pictures and he even messaged me sa FB. Telling me that he misses me and all. Then before I sleep on December 25. I asked God again for a sign. Sabi ko, "Lord kapag tumawag po si Karl within this day. Kayo na po bahala." 

Then came this morning, I saw missed call from him. Then he called. 

I don't know. I don't want to ask another sign from God because I feel like I'm doubting His wills and parang ang greedy ko masyado? Like diba sabi nila you have to TRUST HIM and just have FAITH ON HIM. 

Right now, I'm just lost. 

Karl's DAPT

Maybe my eyes dont melt you anymore. :((((((

POST BREAK UP LETTER.

I don't know if you'll be able to read this or what. We wasn't able to talk yesterday since Mama and Papa were here. I don't even know if we will see each other again to talk personally. But I'm not hoping to talk to you anytime soon or anymore (?)

First of all ayun nabasa mo naman na kagabi yung first letter ko sayo diba? Actually I think I said almost everything there but I was not able to say how I truly feel right now or the words that I wanted to tell to you.

First of, syempre gustong gusto ko talaga mag apologize. Apologize for doing stupid moves and stuff that will piss you off, telling you hurtful words just because I was feeling an extreme emotion. Sorry if I failed again and if I keep on failing you. Sorry for all the wrong things that I have done. Sa kulang na efforts and all.

And thank you for allowing me to be with you and your family. Thanks for allowing me to be with them for probably the last time. I don't even know if I'll be able to meet them again. But you and your family made a huge impact in my life. You guys were my second family na.

I won't make this letter anymore longer because yun nga I almost said everything.

 I dont want to invite you here because I just dont want to make more memories with you. And alam ko na I'll always ask for more. I'll always find a way to invite you to tell you that I have lots of stuff to say to you. I'll always find a way to be with you. Sabi ko nga kagabi.

Lastly, know that I wasn't a perfect girlfriend and I never intended to be one, I really did my best to be the best you ever had and gave everything that I can and I had.  Kaso hindi talaga. And there are thigns na pag pinilit pa masakit lang diba? So I want to say thank you for the three years.

And we will be friends, not any time soon though. But maybe someday. I love you :)

Reflections.

Maybe I could've been a better girlfriend to him. I was reminiscing about the things that happened, the memories and all. I think that  I did a lot of stuff that made him do what he did. Maybe if I exerted more effort, if I did come to them instead of him, always coming here. Maybe if I was sweeter, more patient, more understanding.

Maybe if I didn't loved my ego and myself so much, maybe he's still with me until right now. But no. Hindi eh. I was too comfortable with him looking and making me feel that what he did was okay. But it wasn't.

Kulang ako sa effort. Hay.

be better.

Haha pabago bago ng isip?

I think that starting today, I'll start getting better and not bitter. It's not like if I posted a lot of hate/hugot stuff e babalik sya. I think I've pushed him away so hard, so hard that no matter how much I pull him back. Waley na talaga.

So right now, I'm just going to be better. No more negative thoughts. No more what ifs and what nots. No more drinking and partying. No more moping around. I'll just be better.

I know one day, it will be all worth it.

I lost count of times..

I lost count of times, wherein I think of you. Lost count of times wherein I asked myself whether I should chase after you or just let you go. Lost count of times wherein I tell myself that I'll get through this excruciating pain.

Ay emo.


Hahaha. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I can't succumb the pain. Haha. Pwedeng maging numb ng 1 year. Ewan. Watching everything to just fall right before my eyes. Sad no? But if it's bound to happen. If I really can't do anything about it.

Accepting is hard. It's way more harder than anyone thought it will ever be. Waking up every morning, not knowing whether to move on or hope that you'll come back. Waking up every morning, feeling the same pain. Over and over and over and over again.

I don't know if I should just feel and enjoy the pain. Just feel until it hurts no more.

Seriously, how can you move on?  How do you move on?

It's not as easy as counting 1,2,3. Building all these defences up, then one person will try to break it down. You allowed them to go inside you. You opened up your soul, thinking and trusting them that they won't ruin you. But then again, life's a bitch, so the person who build you up, broke your defences down, opted to let go of you. Just like that. And you tried your best to cling in to them. To hold on to them. But the next thing you know, you're not holding on to anything or anyone anymore. Next thing you know all you have is you yourself.

So how are you going to be able to move on? When a person gave you so much to hold on to? So many memories to hold on to? How could you look forward to the day where you will meet that one person who will make you happy? When you've already tasted the peak of happiness on that person?

Funny how you thought you know him just because you've been together for so long. Funny how you thought he couldn't hurt you as you saw how he took care of you and loved you when you were at your worst. But ironically, the person who you thought will not hurt you, they're the one who's gonna hurt you the most. Sucks but that's life.

So maybe, just maybe one day. I'll find a way out in this crazy maze. There's no easy way out. But maybe the time will come where all this pain will be worth it. Someday, somehow, I'll find my silver lining.

16 Questions That Can Revive Your Relationship

Even if your partner doesn’t want to do this with you, it can still be helpful for you to think about.

1. How did you meet?
2. What first attracted you to your partner?
3. What did you do on your first date?
4. When did you know this relationship could be something special?
5. What made you think the relationship could be special?
6. What did your friends think of the relationship?
7. What did your family think?
8. Did you have to overcome any obstacles to be together?
9. If you're married, what made you decide to get engaged?
10. What did you like about how you communicated?
11. What kinds of things did you enjoy doing together?
12. How did you let your partner know you were loved and cared for?
13. How did you nurture each other?
14. What did you feel were the strengths of your relationship?
15. Did you feel that any past hurts or pains began to heal by virtue of your relationship?
16. What were the times when you felt most deeply connected? What were you doing? What were the circumstances?

Day 5: Drunk words are sober thoughts

I was so fcked up last night. Nung umaga, I woke up alone, kasi naalala ko pinauwi ko nga pala si Ate Weng kasi dito matutulog sila Karl ng Saturday ng gabi. Tapos after ayun laptop, phone, keme keme. Gusto ko talagang umalis kaso IDK where to go. It's too early to go to Glorietta or Greenbelt tsaka umay naman?!

After awhile, tinawagan ako nila Jan and Z. Uhhh. Super sweet nila tinatanong nila kung okay lang ako and all. Tapos isasama daw nila dapat ako sa Pico kasi alam nilang broken ako. Sweet nu?! Hahaha. Tapos nagtext si Beki. Uminom kame as usual. Pero medjo masama na pakiramdam ko non pero sige na nga lang.

What I'm doing is so wrong in so many levels and every angles. Like I should take care of myself. I'm thinking that this is just a phase. That it'll come in to my senses na I should stop drinking and start taking care of myself.

Tapos ayun mega kwento ako kay beki what happened, tapos usap usap keme ng mga boylet nya. E dapat magtotodayxfuture kame. Kaso hindi kame natuloy due to some confidential reasons. CHAROT!

Tapos ang sama sama ko ba? Huhuhu. I was drunk texting Karl. HUHUHUHUHUHU. Pucha nakakahiya pero ewan. In a way I dont regret what I said because that's what I've been wanting to say to him. Heinz.

...

Some days were better, and some days were harder.

There are days when you just cannot succumb the pain. Where you ask yourself,  "saan ba ko nag kulang" or "Was I too ugly enough?" Or maybe, just maybe I wasn't the peson he was looking for. That maybe, just maybe, some things are bound to happen. And it just happened that our relationship was bound to end. Or maybe not.

There are times where I just want to give up. To stop chasing because I'm to afraid that maybe I'm just chasing over the wrong thing, the wrong person. Sometimes I ask myself kung may pinaglalaban pa ba ko e? Then, there are times when I'm this close to stepping in to that thin thin line of giving up. But then he's going to message or call me.

Tangina. Isang tawag or text okay na ko e. But then again, I ask myself, do I deserve this? Am I really supposed to chase him? To settle for less than what I deserve? To accept all the things that's happening right now? Or gigive up na lang ba ko?

I have a lot of questions in my head but I do not know where or how to get the answers. There are a lot of what ifs, what nots, I should have and I shouldn't haves. But amidst all these thoughts and emotions, what's really surfacing is the love that I'm feeling.

Yung kahit ang sakit sakit na, sige na lang. Okay na lang. I know that there are a lot of guys around there who would do so much better. But it's really hard to look forward to that "someone better" if you've already tasted what perfection feels like to a certain person.

For the past three years of my life, I know I was not a perfect girlfriend. I know that I have my ups and downs. Many times, I stumbled and fall. But with his helping hand and his loving arms, I was able to man enough and stand up. I know that I did a lot of things and there are things that  I wasn't able to do. And that he could've opted to leave me but instead he fought for me.

So am I going to give up everything just like that? Or am I still going to fight for this?

To be honest I really don't know. Yes, he's worth it. I've known him for so long. I know his abilities and capabilities. I know that there are a lot of girls who would ask someone like him. But what I do not know is that if I'm really really really ready and willing to feel the excruciating pain.

Kasi ngayon pa nga lang, yung nararamdaman ko halos maloka na ko e. Paano pa sa future? Paano pa sa bigger struggles.

Sometimes, it's not just what he's doing, or him. Minsan ako din e. I'm not really used to feeling this kind of pain. Because all my life sanay ako na ako yung nangiiwan, or sanay akong mutual yung decision. Pero pakshet talaga e.


Maybe, just maybe, the girl was better than me. Or I don't know. I personally don't know the girl and I don't have any intentions or plan to know her. Bitter ko na ba? HUHUHUHUH. Tangina kasi e, kung san masikip dun sumisiksik e. Charot.

Ewan. I just really don't know what to do. And I just really don't know how to fight for him e kung humihingi din naman sya ng time na magkalayo kami. Sad nu?!

I just really don't know what to do. Jusko naman. Lord God, enlighten me! If I can't have him, just please PLEASE! Give him someone better.

Pero kung sila naman talaga magkakatuluyan, edi fine. Go. Good luck. Good job. Be happy! JESUS IS WITH US! Two weeks lang kayo, magbbreak din yan. Oha. Loljk.

Srsly, kung magiging sila, please lang sabihin nalang niya na hindi ako. Para di na ko nagaantay ng parang gago dito. Kung hindi ako, please hayaan niya na kong mag move on. Wag niya na kong guluhin. Hayaan na lang niya kong matutunan kung paano ko mapapasaya yung sarili ko.

Pleaseeeeee, mahal ko siya pero tangina kung ipagpapalit niya lang ako. PLEASE LANG STAY AWAY FROM ME! HUHUHUHUHUHU. We can be friends but not NOW. NOT NEXT YEAR. NOT THIS YEAR. NOT ANY TIME SOON.

At last na, kung hindi man lang talaga. Please sana yung next boyfriend ko wag MARINO, taga NYK at KARL yung pangalan. Please lang. Trauma na. Tama na.

What It’s Really Like To Have A Broken Heart (c) Thought Catalogue

What It’s Really Like To Have A Broken Heart

Jillian Bishop

A lot of people say having your heart broken is like someone ripping your heart out of your chest. It is so much worse than that. Having your heart broken feels like someone trying to rip your heart out from wherever they can access it. They beat you in the stomach, they rip at your throat, they pound on your head, but eventually, ripping your heart straight out of your chest is the only option. So they do it. And then they squeeze your heart and they throw it around and step on it and tear it apart with dull fingernails. They rip it to shreds and just because it’s no longer in your body doesn’t mean you don’t feel all of this at full intensity.

The pain becomes overwhelming so you scream and cry at the hurt that is happening to you. Everywhere. Everything hurts. There is a physical pain: constant headache, burning eyes, an honest-to-God ache in your chest, nausea, body soreness. There is a mental pain: constant questioning of him, yourself, the situation, rethinking every nuance of every phrase said and every event passed, over thinking to the point where your mind is a constant buzz of nonstop action without any focus. You flip between hating him for hurting you and hating yourself for letting it happen.

Dealing with a broken heart is a lot like being trapped underwater. You struggle a lot at first, learning to hold your breath, often faltering and getting lungs full of water, choking until your whole body burns. You try to find the surface because you don’t want to hold your breath anymore. It’s hard and painful and you want a reprieve. But you can’t seem to find the top. And you struggle some more and your lungs cry out, you cry out, for anyone to help. But eventually you resign to the burning and the lack of oxygen and you allow yourself to just drown. When you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, suddenly you’ll start to float up. Nature takes over and you gasp a fresh breath of air right before he kicks you down again, foot to the gut, and you fall lower. You never hit rock bottom before, because this is much worse. You struggle again and it hurts more even when you thought it wasn’t possible to. I imagine this keeps happening and I’m not sure how it’ll end. I’m still drowning, occasionally resurfacing only to be pushed further into heartache. I want to stay afloat but succumbing to the water seems to be my only option now. I am lost and there is no way I can find the surface on my own.

I loved everything about this boy. I loved him even when he built me up just to tear me down. I love him now even when it’s his foot in my gut and the burning in my lungs is pain caused by him. I knew him one month. One fucking month and this is what he’s done. More than anything I want to hate him and I want him to be as heartbroken as I am. But I cannot wish this upon anyone, not someone I love nor someone I hate. All I can do is pray that one day he will let me find the surface on my own, stand on my own two feet, and move to dry land. I can only hope that one day he can allow my pain to dissipate and allow me to feel whole and normal again. The worst part about drowning is that you cannot do the saving yourself. I have given in to the fact that certain pieces of my heart were torn off and lost and I have given in to the fact that, though I love him, he is as lost to me as these pieces. But for right now, I’m still struggling to hold my breath and I’m still choking on water and I can only wonder if I’ll find the surface soon. 

Day 4: PAHABOL!

So kagabi di na talaga ako tinext ni Karl. Siguro he just dont want to me anymore. Charot.

Mmm, today's our exams in UR and STS. Tapos gising pa ko until 1 am ata. Super di lang makatulog? Ewan ko. And medjo hilo pa din ako kasi uminom kami ni Frence. 

Actually kakatapos ko lang magtake ng exams sa UR. Tas idk, tangina yung heart ko parang sasabog na. Di ko alam why. Yung parang kinakabahan ako and i feel like something's going to happen but i dont know kung ano 😞😞😞

Laters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hahahaha. A friend told me that i should give up the fight. Na magpamiss o ano. Hahahaha.  Di ko alam gagawin ko bcauase every ounce of my body is telling that i should give up. But my heart says no. Pero ewan. Ang sakit sakit na. 

Gusto ko nalang umiyak kaso. Wala na kong iiiyak. Puta. Paano ba to?!

____________________________________

Well today has been a roller coaster ride for me. Maybe, or probably this is how the next days will be like. One moment you feel so sad and so empty and the next you're so happy and your heart is jumping. 

So we had our exams in UR and STS. I wasn't able to review to both subjects. TBH! Pero I was happy kasi Jy, Robey and I were able to pass our thesis on time PLUS! Tama yung ginawa namin. Or nila. Hahaha. Medjo guilty lang because I wasn't able to help that much in our thesis workloads these past few days because of my problems. But then, all is well. Tapos I was able to study for a bit sa STS so I was able to answer naman yung iba.

After class, Daichi asked kung anong plano since today's the last day. Tapos sabi ko kayo bahala. Nag-aya sila uminom. Which is okay lang naman kasi ngayon nalang uli kame iinom. Ayoko sana dito sa condo because it brings back a lot of memories pero ayun nga wala naman din kami mapuntahan kasi ayaw naman din nila sa Central or Beach. Tapos I ended up breaking down in front of them and leaving them.

Medjo tipsy na ko nun. I went to Ayala Triangle to watch the dancing lights pero super aga pa and may mass pa, I waited for a bit pero ang tagal so I opted to go to Greenbelt. NagSB ako nun. Tapos sinundan ako ni Z. Tapos usap onti then uwi.

I was kind of hoping that Karl will come today kasi sabi niya nga na dito sya magssleep kasi papauwiin daw sila pero a part of me says na don't expect for him to come. Kasi the whole day he's not texting me or anything. Ako naman, in my defense, I wasn't texting him kasi nga I respect his decision na gusto niya ng time. Kahit super kating kati na ko.

So I went home and then Jy texted me "BB PUTANG INA!" Tapos ako super kabado kasi naisip ko na baka magkasama si Karl and the girl and nakita niya. Kasi the whole day nga I thought Karl was able to go out and be freeeeeeeeee!!! Pero no. Iba yung kinwento ni Jy. And it made me happy and nadivert yung thoughts and emotions ko for awhile! HAHAHAHAHA.

Then ayun nagsleep ako. I decided to sleep just because I can't wait for his text anymore. Tapos around 10 pala, he was texting me and I wasn't replying. Then he called. Nagising talaga ako sa call niya. Tapos ayun he asked kung kamusta ako and everything and he asked if I was sleeping. Tapos sabi ko oo. So he said na bbye na. And I said okay. Akala ko kasi mahahabol ko pa yung sleep ko pero hindi na ko makatulog. So I texted him and said na "Kainis ka. Di na ko makatulog." Ayun tinawagan niya ko and nagusap kame ng 9 minutes. HEHEHEHEHEHE.

And damn it! I know it was just a small stuff compared to what he's doing before but it made me feel happy. He told me na he was at Kalaw kasi nagrereview siya and they're about to take the test on Monday na. And kwentuhan onti. HIHIHIHI.

O ayan makakatulog na ko ng may smile! CHAROT! 

Day 3: sadnu?

Okay, so Karl slept here last night. Kaso medjo iba na. Syempre andun yung cuddle kagabi. Pero it's not like before. Would I settle for less than what I deserve? Siguro. Si karl yun eh.

When he left this morning, it dawned on me na, medjo sad nga. Supposed to be dapat I'll go to Jy today para samahan siya kila Jeps. Pero ayun uminom kasi kame ni Frence and medjo natipsy na.

Actually I just woke up an hour ago, pero medjo hilo pa din. I really don't know if I'll be able to be productive and do my thesis task right now. Pero syempre I have to kase kelangan. :( charot.

Tapos ayun syempre Frence and I shared our own dilemmas and heart breaking stories. Charot! Hahahahaha. Medjo hard and sad life for us. Merry Christmas daw sabi ng mga gagong lalake namin e. HUHUHUHU.

Pakyu kasi sila e. Hehehehe. We have plans nga to go to the bar and barn. Kaso ewan ko. Hahaha partly siguro nasabi ko yun because I was tipsy, pero partly because we're just girls who wants to have fun! YAY! Hahahahaha.

And then Sivan called. He told me na he's gonna come here. I told him na wag na because we're okay and we're having a talk. And I don't want him to come just because I know na mali and something might happen. Sabi nga nila PAG MAY ALAK MAY BALAK! Hahahah

Ayun super aga ata namin uminom ni Frence. We started ng 9 or 10 and ended ng around 3PM or so.

All in all this day was fun, pero andun pa din yung sakit. Sad nu?!

WAY BACK WEDNESDAY

WAY BACK WEDNESDAY. NUNG AKO PA YUNG NAGPAPASAYA SAYO.

Tangina kase e. Sakin ka na lang kasi sumaya uli please. HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHU

Keps, BB Elyca, BB Ken, BB Nikki

Hi guys, ayoko ng kausapin kayo in person and say this kasi ayoko na talagang umiyak sa harap niyo. Alam kong pagod na kayong makinig sa endless dramas ko at nasstress din kayo sa nangyayari samin ni Karl. Alam ko din naman na ayaw niyong nakikita kaming ganito.

First of BB Kenzie,

From the very beginning sayo ko talaga sinabi lahat. Thank you bb ha! For listening to my dramas kahit na ramdam kong minsan ayaw mo ng pagusapan. Pero you endured it and wala kang magagawa kundi ipagpatuloy iendure yung drama ko! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA CHAROT. Thank you ha? If there's only one thing na magagawa ko to repay the time, effort and yung empathy na pinapakita mo sakin. Thank you for not being biased, sa pag rerealtalk sakin and giving me advices. For comforting me when I was at my deepest and darkest hour. Sa mga times na alam kong medjo nagiging KJ na ako, pinipili mo pa ding sumama sakin. Sorry kung super preoccupied ko these past few weeks/days. I love you BB! SO MUCH!


BB Elyca,

Hi BB! Thank you din ha. Alam ko na medjo masama loob mo samin. Pero that's a different story. Thank you kasi sinantabi mo yung sama ng loob mo and you opted to listen to my problems. Kahit na recently ko lang kinwento sayo. I just dont want to stress you and other SS as well. Thank you for making me feel na magiging okay lang din lahat and of course sa mga advice and words na sinabi mo sakin nung Christmas Party. I love youuuuu!!!! :* Stay with me and marry my keps please?

BB Nikki,

Hi BB!! Thank you din sayo. Salamat kahapon. Kahit na di ka masyadong nagsalita kahapon, na you chose to listen rather than giving me super daming advices I really appreciate it. Sometimes all you need is someone to listen to you. Thank you din syempre sa advices na swak na swak eh! Hahaha. And thank you kasi kahit alam kong speechless ka din sa nangyayari and di mo alam yung sasabihin mo sakin eh dinamayan mo pa din ako and inintindi. Salamat kasi inoffer mong magsleep and samahan ako dito sa condo. Sobrang sweet mo! Huhu namiss kita. Let's bond more pleeeeasee!!!!!! I love youuuuu.


KEPYAS!

higit sa lahat ikaw keps. Salamat ha? Alam mo namang tayong dalawa lang talaga nagkakaintindihan eh! CHAROT! Hahaha tangina mo e. Suportahan mo ko. ANTI-BUHANGIN TAYO! Hahahahahahaahahahahaha deputs. Puro mura? Ewan ko kung anong sasabihin ko sayo. Sorry ha kung di ako unang nagopen sayo. Gusto ko kasi si Karl talaga magoopen sayo ng una. Gusto ko rin kasing irespect yung privacy niya because that's one thing that I wasn't able to give to him nung first day pa lang na nanghingi siya ng time. Sobrang thank you kasi minomotivate mo ko ha. Tangina batukan mo nga yang si Karl? Hahaha. Love you keps! Super. Happy for you and elyca. <3


Ayun salamat sa inyong lahat ha? Wag sanang magiiba o sasama tingin niyo kay Karl. Kasi although he's responsible for the choices that he made, alam ko naman deep down na it's not in his intention na saktan ako. And I understand him and the girl really. Kasi I've been in their situation diba? Pero di naman ako magpapakahypocrite na di ako galit o masama loob ko. Pero lilipas din to. Please stay with me guys! Kelangan ko talaga kayo kasi sa ngayon di ko pa kayang humugot ng lakas sa sarili ko. So pansamantalang gagamitin ko muna kayo para humugot ng energy! CHAROTERA!!!!!!!!! Hahaha. Salamat guys talaga sa advices and all. Pasensya na talaga kung nagkakaganito kami ha. At pati kayo naaapektuhan ng slight. MERRY CHRISTMAS. LOVE YOU FOUR, but I love Karl more <3

Day 3: Group Dynamics/BSPSY4-A's Christmas Party/Ayala Triangle

So today's our exam in Group Dynamics. Pero it's not a written exam, eto yung exam na super fun because we were playing games.

Before the Group Dynamics class started. Nagopen up ako kay Elyca about sa problem namin ni Karl. Ayoko pa sanang sabihin sa kanila, yun nga kasi nahihirapan akong iexplain, and I don't want Karl to look like the bad guy.

After namin magusap, pumasok na kami kasi Group Dy na. I had so much fun because I was able to bond with other 4As. First game was yung cups gagawan mo ng tower. Basta ganun ang hirap iexplain. Pero enjoy. Tapos sigaw kami ng sigaw. Especially ako kasi sobrang ewan ko lang? Nakakatense e. Paunahan pa. Second game was yung sa balloon echos. Sobrang funny uli. Ang sakit ng tummy ko kakatawa. Yung pinakalast yung kila Mae. Sobrang interesting and fun din. So first isa isa kami magsasalita. And may box. Ganito yung sinabi ko yung first

Ang kahon na ito ay nirerepresenta ako at pupunuin ko to ng: "genuine happiness" kasi hindi ko mapapasaya yung ibang tao if hindi ko kayang pasayahin yung sarili ko. Higit sa lahat pupunuin ko to ng "love." #MedjoHugot.

Ang kahon na ito ay nirerepresenta ako sa grupo bilang: Actually hindi ko alam guys, kasi yung friendship namin ngayon it's not that strong anymore. Siguro ako lang yung madaldal samin. More like ako yung nagsasabi ng problema sa kanila. Sa 4A, ganun din eepal epal. Ingay ganon. Hahaha.

Medjo hugot talaga yung first kasi yun yung naramdaman kong ilagay sa sarili ko. Like, I wanted to be genuinely happy! And I know one day, I'll be able to have the genuine happiness that I've always wanted :)

After the class we were supposed to have our Christmas Party pero we waited for 1 hour pa kasi our room wasn't available yet. Tas kinausap ko si Robey. Umiyak nanaman ako. Grabe, proud pa naman ako sa sarili ko kahapon because I didn't shed a tear. Pero pakshet na malagkit. Umiyak ako!!! HUHUHU.

After that, we had our Christmas Party. Super saya din kasi I was able to bond with other 4As uli. Nung una, kainan muna. Then nagpatugtog kami. Medjo party party. Picture picture. Tapos nagplay yung "Ever After." E kinakanta ko, tapos kinakanta din ni Apol. Nilapitan ko si Bianca, sabi ko:

Me: "theme song namin yan ni apol"
Bianca: kuya Apol, kuya Apol
Me: Tangina mo Bianca staaahp!!!!!

CESSY <3

Kim and my gift to him! Look how happy he was!

Andeng, Bianca the bully and I, the pretty!!! Hahaha

Tapos nakakalong ako kay Bianca non. Tapos umupo si Robey sakin then si Elyca. Tapos trinap na ko ni Bianca tas tinatawag na niya si apol. Hanggang sa lumapit si apol and sinabi niya na "Kuya Apol, theme song niyo daw ni Right yan?" Tangina medjo awkward pero ang funny e. Hahahahaha. Gago kasi to si Bianca.

First College Barkada 

After nun pinatugtog ko yung Latch and everyone went craycray!!!!As in kumakanta kaming lahat, dancing and jumping our hearts out! Hahahahaha. Then dapat may game kaso lahat nanawa na because of group dynamics so nag paraffle nalang nung mga prizes dapat for the game. Sobrang gusto ko talaga yung PLANNER. Kaso waley eh. Hahah. After nun, bigayan na ng gifts. Sobrang happy ako kasi si Cessy na nakabunot sakin binigyan ako ng calligraphy pen. E gusto ko yun kasi mas napapadali buhay ko. Charot! De kasi gusto ko talaga matuto mag calligraphy e. Afterwards, binigay ko din kay Kim yung gift ko sa kanyang mug. Super natuwa talaga siya and natuwa ako kasi nakita ko yung JOY sa mukha niya. Hehehe.

After exchange gift, and pagpapapicture, inaya ako mag Ayala T nila Elyca. Nung una ayoko kasi wala ako sa mood. Kaso gusto ko din sila makasama kasi ayoko lang din naman magmukmok dito sa condo. So ayun, tapos kinwento ko na din kay Nikki lahat. And I told them na sana wag sasama yung tingin nila kay Karl. Medjo cry cry nanaman ako. Hahaha. Tapos while we were talking, biglang nagulat ako kasi andun na si Karl sa loob ng kwarto. Buti kakatapos ko lang umiyak and sabi ni Nikki na tumatawa na daw ako.

Ayun, after nun lumabas si Karl. Gusto ko talaga siyang ihug, ikiss. Ganun, kaso ewan ko something is stopping to do that. Pero eventually naghug din naman kami. Ayun nagusap kami. Pero more like nirerealtalk ko nanaman siya. Tapos after nun, medjo nagusap nanaman kami ng maayos and as usual umiyak nanaman ako. Ayoko talagang umiyak sa harap niya kasi ayokong maawa siya kaso wala e.

After nun umalis na kami pa-Ayala T. Nung andun kami sa Ayala Triangle, I'm fighting the urge to cry. Kasi sobrang naluulngkot ako. Gusto ko lang talaga na ako pupunta mag-isa dun but I ended up going there with Karl. Tapos sinamahan ko sila kumain sa McDo ni DQ kasi gutom na sila. E sakto nagstart na yung Ayala T nung andun kami sa McDo. Tapos after mageat, at nagyoyosi kame. Nagstart nanaman yung Ayala T. lights. E pag dating namin sa mismong Ayala Triangle, tapos na yung lights so nagpicture kaming SS girls. Tapos ayoko pa sana magpapicture kay Karl kasi baka ayaw niya. So tinanong ko siya kung gusto ba niya. Tapos nagpapicture kame. Tapos medjo sweet sweet kame onti sa Ayala Triangle. Naghuhug and kiss and holding hands and all the stuff we do.

After nun umuwi na ako. Una pinipilit ko si Karl to come home with me kaso ayaw niya kasi nahihiya siya sakin. SAbi ko, nung ako naman ginawa ko sayo yan, hindi ko ininda yung hiyang naramdaman ko. Humarap ako sa parents mo diba?

Ayun pero wala e, ayaw niya. So I ended up going home sad and alone. Tapos nung una nagtampo ako pero eventually nagtext ako and I said sorry for forcing him to come home. And kung gusto niya pa rin mag overnight sa Thursday okay lang sakin. Tapos nagthank you din ako. Tapos bigla siyang tumawag and told me to wait for him sa baba ng condo kasi sa condo siya magsstay. I was so happy talaga! Pero in a way medjo nakokonsensya ako.

Pag dating namin dito sa condo and nung medjo nakapagpahinga na onti, I gave him the box na ginagawa ko dati pa. Pero hindi pa tapos. It consist of motivational stuff, sweet quotes and others. Super natuwa ako kasi sabi niya na nakakamotivate daw and natuwa daw siya.

Tapos nun, nung nakahiga na kami I looked him in the eyes and we had this conversation:

Me: Diba, sabi mo kaya ka pumunta dito kasi gusto mong linawin yung mga bagay na hindi malinaw sakin? Ngayon gusto kong malaman kung ano ba tayo ngayon? Ano bang status natin ngayon?

Tapos hindi siya makasagot. Tas nakatingin siya sakin and naiiyak siya.

Me: Sagutin mo. Kasi  gusto ko lang malaman para malinaw sakin.
Karl: Wala na. *cries*

Tapos ayun di siya nagsasalita. Umiiyak lang siya. Tapos I gave him some advice. I shared to him na kung ano ako nung nasa situation niya ako. Sabi ko sa kanya na natural lang yan. Alam ko na pagod na siya and nahihirapan na siya magdecide. I told him na nung ako sa kanila ni Apol, I had a gut feeling na siya talaga pero I chose Apol because there's something na naghohold back sakin to choose  Karl. Tapos I told him that bumalik ako sa kanya because I saw kung ano yung magiging buhay ko with Apol, not only that I felt that it was really him. Na nung mga times na kasama ko si Apol siya pa din yung iniisip ko. Siya pa din yung naalala ko. And nung time na nagPM siya sakin, I told him na gustong gusto ko ng bumalik but I decided not to kasi baka nga nafefeel ko lang to kasi baka namimiss ko lang siya or sa una lang kasi di din naman biro yung 3 years na pinagdaanan namin. Tapos sabi ko na triny ko maging masaya kay Apol. But I ended thinking of him all the time. That's why I decided to come back. Sabi ko na, okay lang yung nararamdaman niya. Na alam kong mahirap. Wala namang mali sa pagmamahal. Kasi nagmahal ka lang. Hindi natin madidiktahan yung puso natin kung sino ba yung mamahalin natin and kung sino yung hindi. Sabi ko na andito ako sa kanya as a best friend and I'm not in front of him as a lover. I told him na kaya niya lahat ng to and he will be happy.

Sinabi ko din na he doesn't need to be hard on himself. Kasi di lang naman siya yung may choice. The girl and I have our choice to leave or to stay. But we opted to stay because we really love him. Kami yung may choice na mas masaktan. And that he shouldn't put the blame in him.

When I told him that, I was not biased. I shared to him how I really felt back when I was in his situation. Although medjo same yung nangyari samin medjo may differences din naman. Tapos ayun, we cuddled and slept together. It made me happy because we can still do stuff like this right now. Na amidst all the confusions, the pain and the struggles, ewan ko, pero nangingibabaw yung love?

I asked him kung gaano pa kaintense yung love niya sakin. He answered 9.2. I'm actually expecting for 5 or lower. Pero ayun, natuwa ako because yung love niya, although it's faltering, at least the intensity was still there.

All in all, I'm happy because I was able to be with him and spend the night with him. I'm happy because I was able to make him happy and show to him how much I love him. It made me more motivated to fight for our love that's faltering.

Ay sht. Muntikan ko na makalimutan. Sivan was asking me na dapat kami na lang daw, like temporary couple ganun. But I don't want that. Kasi super bait niya and he's really trying his best to make me smile and happy. Medjo nagwowork naman yung pagpapasmile niya. Pero I know deep down na hindi ko talaga kayang ibigay or ireciprocate yung feelings niya for me. I told him na I don't want to take him for granted. Ayokong maging rebound siya or whatever. Gusto ko kasi pag pumasok na ako sa relationship, yung ready na ako and yung kaya kong ibigay yung love na ibibigay sakin ng partner ko. May point naman ako diba?! HUHUHU. Hahahaha.

day 2: First Simbang Gabi 👍

So earlier this day, jy and I meet sa Glorietta. Ang funny kasi parehas kami ng damit. Not actually parehas na parehas pero yung kulay.

Ayun bumili lang kami ng gifts for our monito and monita. Tapos pumunta kame sa Caffe something. I forgot the name. Then while we were there Jy asked me if I can come with her to meet up with his HS friends. Di ko alam kung sino. Iinom daw. Ayun, umoo ako kasi since eto lang din naman yung way na makakarepay ako kay Jy for all the things that she've done to me. Awtsu!

Then after sa Cafe echos, umuwi din. Pinipilit ko siyang bilhin na sakin yung Why We Broke Up. Usapan kasi na kapag nag break kami ni Karl ibibili niya ko nun. Kaso wala pa siya money so she ended up buying me a pen! Hahahahaha. Sweet e.

Tapos ayun, later that day nakatext ko uli si karl. Feeling ko ang sama ko kasi nirerealtalk ko sya e. Ewan ko ba, di ko alam kung tama yun eh. Kasi ang sakit pa din. Pero natatakot kasi akong sobrang magalit kasi baka mamaya mas mawala siya sakin. Di ko lang talaga alam which emotion should I show first. Kung galit, sakit o yung love e. Sabay sabay kasi. Sobrang halo halo na. Di ko na alam kung anong dapat kong ramdamin. 

Tapos nagtext sakin si Dequi na alam na niya. Sabi ko na wag muna sana sabihin kay Elyca. Di pa kasi ako ready mag kwento eh. Di ko din naman alam kung paano ko sisimulan. Ayoko din magmukhang bad guy si Karl. Kasi alam ko naman na di niya rin to ginusto. 

Paguwi, nagsleep lang ako and then pag gising pumunta ako Greenbelt para magsimba. Sobrang galing talaga ni Lord kasi He never fails to make me feel na andyan lang Siya, na He can see my pain and through the priest's homily, He's speaking to me. Kaya ayun, medyo umookay na ako.

Tapos I bought gifts for Bianca and Robey's monito/monita. And went home na din. After that, nakatext ko nanaman si Karl. He told me that his parents were inviting me this Saturday sa Divi and night market. They want to be with me daw because they missed me. I was so touched kasi syempre, super miss na nila ako. Pero in a way parang ayokong sumama kasi di ko alam how Karl and I will act kung ganun. 

But anyhow, yay for the first simbang Gabi! Sana makompleto ko :) 

Day 1

Day 1 of giving time has been so hard for me.

It was a mistake to open his FB account because I invaded his privacy. But I haven't, I wouldn't know about it. Ganun pala yung feeling when you know the person you love cheated on you no? Sobrang sakit. You cant succumb the pain. Pero you have to endure the pain because you cannot do anything about it.

I break down and cried in front of Jy. As much as I do not want to tell her everything, I just had to because I just cannot hide this any longer. As much as I want to keep all things private, I know that I have to say it to someone just so I can release the pain. Sobrang sakit talaga. I don't know what to do. And know I do not know where to stand.

Another thing that pains me is when I confronted him and the way he talks, yung parang he's not guilty at all. It's like he's making me feel that I deserve this or "O diba ang sakit?!." I know it's wrong din naman to expect him to tell me everything since we're not really together na. Pero it still hurts eh. I never thought that this will happen to me and ironically the person who fought for me would do this to me. Of all the people.

I ended up telling it to my sisters and to my mother that I'm not okay and that I'm so heart broken. But I didn't tell them the details. Sobrang medjo naease yung pain because surprisingly my mom didn't got mad at me. She always checks up on me if I'm okay at humanap daw ako ng matangkad! Hahaha. As for my sisters, they told me that maybe Karl wants me to fight for him the way he did before to me.

Then yesterday I decided to go out, to just have a breathe of fresh air because I can't stay in this condo alone. It brings back a lot of memories that as much as possible I do not want to remember and to think of right now. So I went to starbucks and decided to start doing my schoolworks but I ended up surfing net.

Then Karl texted me and we spoke ng maayos. I thanked him for calling me and checking up on me and told him that I am really sorry for invading his privacy and disrespecting it. I told him that I'll give him the time that he needs and that I'll fight for him hangga't kaya ko, hangga't nakikita ko siyang sumaya. I told him na wag sanang sasama yung loob niya kapag dumating ynug araw na tumigil ako kapag pinili niya si Sandy. Because I know that she'll make him happy and that he deserves to be happy. He told me that he needs me as best friend and I tried my best to not be biased and gave him an advice.

Tapos I went to Greenbelt Chapel to attend the mass. Sobrang nilift up ko talaga kay God lahat ng pain na nararamdaman ko. I asked for his guidance and help and I really took the homily seriously. Ang galing nga ng timing ni Lord, just in time for the pain. It gave me hope na magiging okay din ako. In His timing. I know, I know His plans are bigger and better than mine. Sabi sa homily that happiness can be found after the pain and struggles. Second, happiness can be found in yourself. Happiness can be found in happiness. After the mass, I went home na.

Then I chatted with my mom and told her about me being so heart broken. Sobrang naiiyak talaga ako nun kasi I've never opened up to my family before about my problems. And knowing me, looking at the positive and brighter side, medjo masaya ako because this made me feel closer to my family and be more open to them. I realized that I shouldn't keep things to them. Nakakapanghinayang lang because mom's not mad when she knew that I had a boyfriend, parang nanghinayang pa nga siya because she wasn't able to meet Karl. Pero siguro, in time. Kung magiging kami ulit.

Then before I sleep, Karl texted me again. Tapos ayun we said our goodnights. He said I love you. Pakshet kilig :"). Pero ayoko na masyadong umasa, ayoko ng masaktan. Charot. Enough na lang siguro yung pain na nararamdaman ko ngayon.

To be honest, di ko lang din talaga alam gagawin ko. I cannot sleep last night, kasi every time I close my eyes, I keep on imagining Karl's face and Sandy's face and how happy they are going to be together. Every time I close my eyes, it's not Karl and I that I see. It's Sandy and Karl and it hurts. Grabe, pag tulog nalang hinahaunt pa din nila ako. Nakakaiyak.

I honestly don't know what to do right now. I'm back to square one. To figuring how to be okay and to endure the pain. I don't know what will happen kung bumalik si Karl. I don't know if I can still look in to him, I don't know how to kiss or touch or hug him. I don't know kung kaya kong maibalik yung trust na binigay ko sa kanya. I just don't know if I could do the things that we did before. Kasi ganto pala talaga kahirap when your trust is so broken.

I actually dont know if I want him to come back or if I want to move on. All I know right know is that the STRUGGLE IS SO FUCKING REAL!!!!!! Ang sakit sakit na talaga. Sa sobrang sakit sometimes I feel so numb. Yung tipong kapag ako nalang mag-isa tinatanong ko yung sarili ko kung "ano masakit pa ba?! Oy puso masakit ka pa ba?!" Tapos alam mo sagot sakin? "Ewan ko. Wala akong maramdaman." SERYOSO KASI TO :( Huhuhu. Totoo talaga. Pero higit sa lahat ng yan, alam ko sa sarili kong MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL ko talaga si Karl.

Hi, so you wanted something for you. Charot!


Bakit eto? E kasi ang cute mo dito e :( Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Charot ulit.

Seriously. Di ko alam kung ano bang ilalagay ko dito or how am I going to make this post creative. I don't even know what to say because I just recently posted a blog for you to read and a post for you. I don't even know if after reading that post, you'll ever visit this blog of mine again or if ever, mababasa mo pa to. I don't even know how you'll feel after reading that.

So eto na may naisip na ako...



There's this boy,
He fill my world with colors I never knew was beautiful.
There's this boy,
He has my heart and I had his.
But I chose to break it in tiny bits of pieces.
Now he's in doubt, he cannot decide.
I on the other hand cannot take which side.
He's in deep pain, he swallowed his pride,
But I just chose, to break his heart.

He gave me a chance to fix my mess,
He gave me chance to try to fix his heart.
But then again, it cannot easily mend,
for I was the one who's bended.

And now we're on the verge of parting ways,
And we have to find ourselves in the first place.
But I know that this won't last for too long
because true love will allow us to meet in one place.


Oha oha oha. Charot. Di ko alam Love. Pasensya na this is all I could do for now. But I promise to add some stuff. If ever. I love you! :*

Karly,

Im running out of words to say. 

But then again, I MIGHT NOT be able to do so. 

Actually I have a lot of things to say to you. I don’t even know where to begin or how to address the things that I want to say. Because I might end up typing a lot of words, and this letter might turn in to a 10 pages letter. OA?! 

So first, I just want to say THANK YOU for putting up with all my dramas, my mistakes, my kaartehan and everything that’ll be too difficult for everyone to suck it in. Thank you for accepting me, my flaws. I know I’m not perfect and I never intended to be, not until the day I made that big mistake that both break our hearts and both hurt us in different ways. Thank you because you STAYED with me even if you know that you deserve someone else better. Even if we both know that things will be really difficult for us. Most especially for you. Thank you because from day one, up to this day, you never failed to show me how much you love me and how much I mean to you. Thank you for all the efforts, the lessons and the memories that we’ve shared. I know that for those three years, I may not be able to express how much you mean to me and how much I love you, believe me I do. Thank you because you taught me and made me feel the REAL and UNCONDITIONAL love I was looking for for the long time. Thank you because even if I wasted and took you for granted, you were still there. Thank you for supporting me in everything that I do, for understanding me even if I am at my worst and I am beyond understandable. Thank you because you you loved me at my best and at my worst. I couldn’t thank you enough for everything that you’ve done and that you’ve given to me. Thank you for making me a part of your family. For introducing me to your precious parents, for allowing me to be a part of your life and for giving me another chance to prove you that I love you.

If ever man na piliin mong lumayo at mag-isip. Gusto ko lang sabihin na THANK YOU for the chance that you’ve given me. I know marami akong pagkukulang at mali. Sa second chance na binigay mo, marami akong mga bagay na hindi ko nagawa na dapat kong gawin at gusto mong gawin ko. I’m sorry if I failed you and if you felt that I wasted the chance. Believe me or not. I gave you what I had and gave you the utmost and best effort I could give. But I guess the damage and the pain that I have caused you was so much that even if I did what I can do, kulang pa din. Or maybe, just maybe, you just didn’t see me changing. THANK YOU pa din ng sobra because of that chance. 

If ever man na piliin mo pa din ako, THANK YOU. THANK YOU SOBRA. Kasi kahit na sobrang sakit sayo, you still chose to be with me. Kahit na alam kong di mo na nakikita yung point na piliin ako, you still did and I’m beyond happy for that. Thank you. *speechless* 

Second, syempre gusto kong magsorry sa lahat ng nagawa ko. Sorry if I cheated on you. If I betrayed you. If I’ve taken you for granted. I know I was a jerk and I was stupid to do that to you. You didn’t deserve that and I dont deserve you in the first place. But you chose to give me a second chance. Tinanggap mo pa din ako even if it’s so hard for you to forget what I’ve done and what happened. I;m sorry for the times that I’ve let you down. Sorry, alam ko at nararamdaman ko kung gaano kita nadurog, kung gaano kita nasaktan, kung gaano bumaba yung self-confidence mo. This may seem so cliché, pero I swear, sobrang pinagsisisihan ko yun and if I could just turn back the hands of time, I will and I will not do it again. But then again, there are things that we cannot change and things that we cannot erase. So here I am trying so hard para makita mong nagsisisi ako. Sorry Love ha? Sorry kasi sa mga panahong dapat naging malakas ako, naging mahina ako. Nagpadala ako sa temptation. Sorry sa lahat ng nagawa ko. Sorry kung sobrang nagkukulang at nagkulang ako sayo, sorry kung may panahong hindi ko maparamdam sayo na mahal talaga kita. Im really sorry for all the pain, troubles and heartaches that I caused you. 

Third, it really hurts me to see you hurting. Syempre nasasaktan din ako ngayon kasi nararamdaman kong lumalayo ka na sakin. Na nagiging distant ka. Nung uminom kami nila Z and Jy dito. Kaya ako uminom noon kasi sobrang lungkot ko and I needed someone to talk to. Kelangan ko ng kausap kasi sobrang naguguluhan ako, sobrang nabigla din ako sa mga sinabi mo that night, sobrang nasaktan din ako kasi di ko alam na ganun na pala yung nararamdaman mo. Yun nga akala ko kasi okay tayo e. Akala ko masaya ka sakin. Pero hindi pala. Ako lang pala yung masaya, ako lang yung nagaakala. Nasasaktan ako kasi nararamdaman kong distant ka na. Yung pakiramdam na alam kong andyan ka pero di kita maramdaman. Yung pakiramdam na kausap kita pero hindi ikaw yung KARL na kausap ko. YUng pakiramdam na unti-unti ka na atang lumalayo sakin. I dont know if it’s just me or not. I don’t know if may nagbago o ako lang to, dahil sa sinabi mo. That night, nung nagiinuman kami, i was crying so hard to them. Kasi hindi ko talaga alam gagawin ko. Sabi ko sa kanila, natatakot ako ipush yung subject, unang una kasi natatakot ako sa sagot mo, pangalawa i don’t want to push the subject kasi di ako ready, ayoko ding isipin mo na pinupush ko yung subject kasi gusto ko yung thought na magccool off tayo, ayoko ding ipush yung subject because I don’t want to sound too desperate. Sabi ko sa kanila nung tinanong nila ako kung okay lang, kung gusto ko ba yung mangyayari if ever nakapagdecide ka na. Sabi ko, syempre ayoko. Ayokong maghiwalay tayo or magcool off. Ayoko talaga. Pero kung yun yung kelangan para maging maayos tayo, kung yun yung kelangan para maging masaya ka, kung yun yung ikasasaya mo willing naman ako. Sabi ko sa kanila, willing ako sa lahat ng mangyayari kahit ayoko. Kahit masakit. Kasi ayokong isipin mo na puro AKO. Ayokong magpakaselfish. Kasi all these time, you were thinking of me, and all these time pabor lahat sakin. For the past days and nights, the things you’ve said really haunted me. Hindi ako makatulog, naiiyak ako when thingking of all the possibilities. And no matter what I do, kahit maging sobrang magpakabusy ako. I kept thinking about it. And I don’t know how to stop it. Kaya kung napapansin mong sobrang bugnutin ko, sorry. I know I should’ve been more understanding. Pero nahihirapan lang ako.

Ayoko ding sobrang maghigpit sayo, kasi ayokong isipin mong di kita binibigyan ng time at sinasakalt kita, ayoko din namang masyadong hayaan ka kasi baka isipin mo na okay lang saking mawala ka. Hindi ko na talaga alam gagawin ko to be honest. Kasi feeling ko isang wrong move, everything will fall in to pieces. 

Nung gabing nagalit ka sakin kasi kachat ko si Robey, I chatted him kasi gusto kong marinig yung perspective niya. Nung una nga kampi siya sayo kasi akala niya di ako willing. Sabi ko sa kanya willing naman ako sa lahat ng gusto mong mangyari. I just dont know if I can handle the pain. Sabi pa niya na if this will be for the betterment of our relationship and our selves, mas okay nga. I didn’t lied you when I said I sent him a picture of something, the one that I sent to you that night din. I really did send that. Ayun, that night, I was in deeply hurt kasi nga I feel that you’re drifting apart, that’s why I got mad. I got madder because you just “seenzoned” me the next day. You acted as if nothing happened. Yung parang wala akong sinabi sa chat. Im not pushing you to have a decision that time. I just want you to at least tell me na nabasa mo and you acknowledged what you’ve read or something. 

What got me really angry is how you just let this thing pass, and didn’t even bother asking me why I was so cold to you. I didn’t even received any apology. On my part, i was really fighting the urge to text you, na makipagayos. Because for me, that meant na “okay lang, naglabas lang naman ako ng sama ng loob and he ignored it. Okay lang yun.” Kasi hindi talaga okay. I was devastated. Kasi nararamdaman ko na ngang lumalayo ka. Mas naramdaman ko pa kasi hindi mo man lang pinansin yung galit/inis ko non. 

 So this day, 10.10.14. Okay tayo. HIndi sobrang okay. Yung sakto lang. Nakailang sabi na ata ako ng I LOVE YOU sayo pero you didn’t replied anything. You keep on ignoring it. Another OUCH. Kasi nararamdaman ko na ngang lumalayo ka, mas naramdaman ko na ngang lumayo ka, now the only thing that I’m clinging to is your I LOVE YOUs but you can’t even say it to me. Syempre sobrang sakit kasi dati dati ikaw nauuna, pero ngayon hindi na. I don’t even know kung sinasadya mo ba or ayaw mo lang magsabi. 

I was on the verge of crying earlier sa bus kasi di mo talaga ako nirereplyan ng i love you. Sobrang nasasaktan lang ako. But it’s okay siguro I deserve this. Narealize ko lang na ganto kasakit yung nararamdaman mo nun. I know na hindi mo naman minemean or sinasadyang iparamdam sakin to ngayon e. Di mo din siguro gustong gawin to. Pero you’re unconsciously doing it. 

Fourth, syempre gusto ko lang malaman mo how much you mean the world to me. Kung gaano talaga kita sobrang kamahal. As in. Sobrang speechless ko, wala akong malagay dito kasi di ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko sayo without sounding to desperate that I want you to stay with me. I just wanna say that I love you so so so so so so so so so much and I’ll do anything and everything to make you happy. Even if it means giving up the things that are important to me and giving up the people I used to hang out with. Just to make you happy.

Lastly, whatever your decision is, I’ll always support you. Kung ano man yun, kung ano man yan. Di kita pipigilan. I will not force you to stay with me, nor force you to let go of me. I will not force you to do something that you do not want to do. I’ll always be here to support you just like how you support me in everything and anything I do. And know that I’ll patiently wait for you no matter how long it takes para makapagisip ka. And if ever, you realized that you’re happy just by yourself or with someone else, it’s okay. As long as you’re happy. Remember, MAS MAHALAGA YUNG KASAYAHAN MO kesa sa KASAYAHAN NG IBA. It’s time for me to give you the HAPPINESS THAT YOU REALLY DESERVE even if it means that I have to let you go. :) 

I love you Karl. :)