SRS

Today a received a good news and delivered a bad news.

I finally got what I was aiming for, which is, REGULARIZATION from the company that I am working. However, I need to decline the offer since I will be moving back to Fairview already.

I was a happy yet sad. Mixed emotions at its finest. Happy that I was regularized but sad because I have to leave the office.

It was really hard for me to leave not because of the work but because of my officemate, friend, colleague, Mitch. Sobrang sad lang because she was crying kanina.

Supposedly, today was my last day however, I will be going back on Tuesday for my clearance and last day.

Nakakalungkot lang talaga. Haysuuu

'Tis the Season to be Jolly

Please don't get me wrong with this post. 

I've always been a fan of Christmas Season. For once, it's the season or the time of the year where everyone is really generous, it's the time of the year where everyone gets to fix/settle their problems, it's the time of the year where families bond with each other, it's the time of the year where everyone are united. To sum it up, it's the time of the year where everyone are giving not only material gifts but giving joy and love to each other.

Aside from that I really really love the weather during this season because I get to use my favorite sweater and just sip my hot choco and read or binge watch movies. Well that's how things used to be back when I was in Saudi Arabia.  But still, before, I still had fun celebrating Christmas even when I'm here in the Philippines because of our Christmas Party.

However, last year's Christmas Season was the worst. I just had the saddest and depressing Christmas Season last year. Of course it was because my Karl and I broke up. Imagine ending a three year long relationship a few days before Christmas (December 22!). And imagine feeling so anxious and all stressed out because they saw a lump in my mom's breast and it wasn't until December 29 when they found out that it was not cancerous (THANK LORD!)

I was really having a hard time last year. And I still am on the road of recovery. Just last night, I had some (I dont know if that's how you'll call it) anxiety attack. I can't sleep, I can't breathe. I feel like my heart is being held so tight, so tight that it hurts. (DI TO OA PLEASE!) And I just felt like crying because everything starts flashing right before my eye. From the day when I felt like I'm only clinging on to a thin thread down to the darkest day. Like I can still clearly remember and feel how I felt a year ago.

So yup, I dont know why but ever since, even if we're okay now. Even if we've both talked about it already and fixed things up, I'm still having flashbacks. Grabe, I don't even want to feel and to think about it knowing na everything's fine between the three of us and all of us are good friends already.

I don't feel any anger every time I'm having those little flashbacks. All I can feel is pain.

Makati Life Again!

So today I went back here in Makati. I first went to DFA to get my mom's passport. However, I dont have the stub and I have to file an affidavit before I can go back there. So then I just decided to go back to Makati to unwind at SB and sip my new favorite drink (which is Iced Green Tea Latté). Kaso I'm not really familiar with Manila so nawala ako. So I just took the MRT going to Glorietta. So instead of going to SB Cash, I went to Glorietta's SB nalang.

But then, since I'm all alone and I don't want to look like stupid there kasi palowbat na din phone ko, I decided to go to National Bookstore to buy a book to read while I stay sa SB. I was about to buy Paulo Coelho's Adultery cos' I've been eyeing that book for so long, however, Mitch Albom's new book caught my eye. Tho, Paulo's book is cheaper than Mitch and I still have a few bucks to shed (LOL! I have to budget my money for the whole week!!!!!) for the book, so I decided to buy Mitch Albom.

And it's really a good decision to buy this book cos' ever since I started reading it, I almost want to finish reading it. I'm so caught up. But I have to control and stop reading it because I still have things to do and of course SB's Glo is not open 24/7.

Before heading to SB, I passed by a small bazzare in Glorietta. I forgot which part of Glorietta it is. Basta it's near NBS. Then I saw this Love.Hope.Faith Time To Save A Life watches. It's cheap and it looks so sophisticated as well. And another thing is that 50% of their profit will go to their beneficiaries such as cancer patients, etc.

I bought two! One for my boyfriend and one is for me. Haha yup! I'm cheesy like that! Anyway, there's plenty of color to choose from. As much as I would love to buy the Navy Blue, Red and Black watches, however, I don't have enough money to buy those. Maybe next time? Hehe. But I love the one that I bought tho. And my boyfriend loves the color too! I can't wait to use it. But I told him that I'm going to use the watch once he's here already.

Then after dropping by to SB, I decided to go home because I'm too tired from my trip to Fairview to Manila, which by the way took 3 hours!!!!!!!!

So when I arrived in the condo, I decided to wrap the things that I bought for my boyfriend. It's just the two shirts and the watch that I bought for him.

So I wrapped my gifts for him immediately, even though he knows what's inside already, because I wanted him to feel the Christmas vibes even if he's away from home. He's actually in the middle of the sea right now, and he'll come back home (probably and hopefully!) on the 25th of February. So he will, once again, be celebrating Christmas away from home, away from us.

I also started wrapping my Christmas gift (yep! Kasi isa pa lang naman!) because I'm not feeling the Christmas vibe yet. But I'll make another blogpost about that.

So yup! This sums up how my day went.

Ciao!

CENTRO ESCOLAR!!!!!!!

Today, I went to school to do something. I've been stressing over this thing that I need to finish and I'm really really glad that somehow, I was able to tick off some things in my to do list.

Anyways, so I went first to the bank to close my account there then went directly to school. So I went first to Sir Norman to get our thesis and then went to Far East Printing to print our CVs and the approval letter. Gaaahd! It feels so good to be back at school. I really missed the place I once called home. 

(View from the 5th floor) 

:: I used to stay here every morning while I'm waiting for my class to start cos I always go to school early. Ang hirap kasi sumakay sa Estrella nun!

:: It feels good that Ate still remembers me. She's still the "mahinhin" and the kindest BMS. So much love for ate!!!!

So after that I went back and forth to 9th floor and 2nd floor. It was really tiring but it was worth it. I have to wait for my professors for like almost the whole day because they were so busy. So while waiting, naabutan na ako ng lunch time, so then I decided to have my lunch. And luckily I saw my friend Stephen and we ate our lunch together.

 (L-R: Z, Me, Stephen)

:: OTW back to school after Z's YB.

Tipen and his new phone :))

After we had our lunch we went back to school to see if Sir Lumpas is already available. So I had to wait until 2PM so I can talk to Sir Lumpas. Around 2:30 PM, finally! I was able to talk to him. Thank God for giving us a professor like him. He's really accommodating and he's even willing to stay late week after next week for me to get our thesis. KUDOS TO SIR LUMPAS! LOVE YOU SIR! 

After talking to Sir Lumpas, my best friend and I payed and had our picture taken for the Alumni ID. Supposedly dapat mas maaga kami na natapos, however kuya from MIAD was too slow. Buti nalang mabait si Kuya and he's still a new employee so maybe he's not really used to doing such work. 

So while waiting, we had a little chitchat with our prof, Ma'am Agnes. Grabe! So much love again for this prof. Tho, I failed to appreciate her back when I was still a student, pero I felt the love and the sincerity while taking to her. She's really boosting ourself confidence and esteem to take the boards, pursue MA. 

 Waiting for our alumni ID

but first, let us take a selfie!!!!!! Loljk.

After what seems to be like 100000000 years. We then got our alumni ID!!! Hihi.

 We directly went to Jollibee to eat our early dinner because we were so tired from going back and forth to 2nd floor up to 9th floor!!!!!!!! 

 All in all this was a fun filled day and I am happy that I was able to do the things that I needed to do and I was able so productive! I'm really happy as well to talk to my beloved professors and to be with my friends! 

PS. Shoutout to my best friend! Thank you so much for helping me! 

Saturday hits!

Haloooooo! It's Saturday and I am off to do some errands. Loljk! Naaah! I just have ti fix something called "THESIS" It's almost a year since we graduated and yet we're still not done with it. Well although we're really done with the THESIS itself but with all the requirements that needed to be done for it to be bookbind we still haven't done it yet.

Well it's one of the main source of my STRESS and I cannot wait for it to be done. Well I do wish and I do hope that our thesis will still be accepted or else, I won't get my TOR or we will have to re-do it. Both are the worst case scenarios. So yaah.

Anyways, I'm sort of having a productive day. I cleaned the unit. Somehow, managed to pack other stuff. I'm still thinking tho wether to go home or to stay the unit for this weekend. I'm sort of feeling lazy to go home because I have to go back here tomorrow early for my best friend's baby shower.

Gotta go!!!!!!!! Have to meet up with the best guy friend and hopefully meet with my dearest best friend Elyca who just passed the entrance exam in LA SALLE! #roadtoMA #roadtoPSYCHOLOGIST.

Photograph

This song will always hold a special place in my heart. Like it literally summarizes how Karl and I are feeling right now.

Ever since he left PH, I always feel sad. Like not a day pass by that I won't even think of him or the things that we should be doing if we are together at a certain time.

I always think how my life will be if he's around. Maybe if he's around life will be easier. I wouldn't be this stressed out or pressured. Maybe if he's here, every Friday will turn in to a FRIDATE and every pay day will be PAYDATE. Or any day will be a date. Maybe if he's here we will be able to spend long weekends together or even go to the nearby province and just relax there for a few days.

Kaso nga he's not around because he have this thing called "RESPONSIBILITIES." It makes me sad that he have to go away and experience a lot of hardship just to provide the life that he wanted for his family. But at the same time it makes me so proud that at such a young age he have this huge dream and he's being so responsible enough.

It makes me sad that we have to be away together, like to be miles away with each other. It makes me even sadder to think na he'll be doing that for many years. I even counted the months na magkakasama kami sa loob ng plan nyang magbarko. Maka-5 contracts lang daw siya and he's good to go. So it's going to be 5 years. He'll have to stay on board for at least 7-8 months and when he come home, the longest stay na he can render her will be 2-3 months (I guess?). So Imagine, sa limang taon na yun, we wil lbe together for 10-12 months lang pag pinagsama sama lahat. IDK if you get me or not but whatevs. But then again, what can I do diba? It's the nature of his work. All I can do is to hope that nothing bad will happen to him and all I can do is to wait for him to come home.

Burned out from work.

[BEAR WITH THE PHOTO PLEASE]

Just in time. I saw this picture in my twitter timeline just when I feel like I'm so stressed out with my work. So I read and nagtyaga talaga ako even if it's pixelated because the image is too small so I have to zoom in the pic. but going back, I read all the stuff written in it and out of 20, I have the 12 signs.

I'm so stressed out. Ever since I started working, I keep on complaining, yet I'm still here. At some point, I feel like I should've never accepted the job kasi I don't even know what I'm getting myself in to. I was so reckless. All I ever think back then was I want to have a job ASAP. I need to have an income cos' I don't want to be a burden to my parents. 

Another thing that I'm somehow, regretting is accepting the 1 month extension given to me. It's just a month but I feels like a year already! Nakakainis. I'm so indecisive, I easily get convinced. 

Well the reason why I stayed in the office are these:

1. Prove myself.

Of course before I leave the office I don't want to be known as the "recruiter" who didn't reached her quota or have 20k revenue. 

2. Officemate.

Well I admit this one is utterly, and plainly stupid cos' we will not be together forever. Like there will come a time na both of us will have to drift apart and move away. Pero I just don't want to suddenly leave my officemate/friend who became a huge part of my *young adult* life. HAHAHA.

3. 13th month pay (?)

Haha if I'll receive any! 

But yah, basically those are just the reason why I stayed in the office. But everyday, I feel like I'm just dragging myself in to the office. Like every time I come to the office, I always have this strong feeling to go home. Every morning when I wake up, I have this strong feeling to not leave the unit and just say na I am sick or I am not feeling well.

It's really hard to force yourself to do something that you dont want to do. It's a lot harder when forcing yourself to do something that you don't want to do is the only choice left cos' you committed to this thing called work. 

I'm really tired. I feel like I'm being so unproductive and being so burned out. Seryoso. Everyday I feel so sad, so stressed out, so worthless (?). Little by little I'm starting to have a low self-esteem, losing my self-confidence and I'm losing my old self.

I just want to be happy again.

This is probably my favorite picture of ours. You can see just by the way I look at this person. I feel like I'm looking at the best gift God had given me. 

We've been together for 4 years already. A lot had happened. We've hit rocked bottom the past year, we've let our guards down and allowed ourselves to be carried away with all the temptations around us, we've allowed ourselves to lose the battle, but then again, together we stand and held each other tighter and we went out in the battlefield, though with scars and deep wounds, successfully and stronger.

After all the mishaps, we're still here. Fighting for our love (CHAROT! PANGTELESERYE!). After all the things that happened, I realized how lucky I am to meet someone like him. You know guys, what I'm feeling for him is the love that I think I won't be able to feel with anyone else. 

When we broke up, I tried dating someone (though once lang! HAHA and it was an epic fail), I tried meeting other people, but at the end of the day, all of them have a common denominator. All of them are FUCKBOYS/PERVERT. 

Everyday, since that thing happened to us, I always feel so grateful that I wake up knowing that he still loves me and he's still mine. Everyday when I wake up, I feel so scared as well. Scared that one day he'll wake up and realize that he doesn't love me anymore or I'm not as beautiful (SABI NYA MAGANDA AKO E!) as he think I am.

Over the years that we've been together, I've learned a lot of lesson from this guy. I learned how to appreciate little efforts and little things. To find joy in the simplest thing. He gave me something that no amount of money or thing can replace. 

Ahhhh! The amount of love that I have for this guy is immeasurable. It's something that I can't even explain. 

It's been one hell of a year

ANG BILIS BILIS

Those are the words that will describe my 2015. Everything happened so fast. I still can't believe that 2015 is almost over. Or OA lang ako cos I'm sort of making a goodbye 2015 and hello 2016 post. 

Naaah. Actually it's not a goodbye post. More of reminiscing post lang. Cos I would like to contemplate. To reflect, and to look back. Sino na nga ba ako ngayon? Saan na nga ba ako? Have I lost my old self over the year(s) that passed or am I still the old me? Or maybe I've lost and I've gained something? 

Ang labo ata! Haha. But then again, what really happened to my 2015? Let's have a flashback shall we?

JANUARY 2015

I admit this isn't my month. I've been struggling with my break up with Karl. Like WTF! It's almost a month na since we broke up but then, I'm still in hell during this month. Looking back at my old posts, re-reading it, I can see how miserable my life was. Although yes, somehow I'm moving on back then. But then, I chose the miserable way of coping up. I think this was the month where I started drinking harder than before. 

And yup, I'm always up to no good when it comes to school. I ditch my class, I'm always late, I don't attend to my OJT.

HIGHLIGHT: when my parents went back here in the PH for good! And yup! The month that I got my iPad! YAS! APPLE KID FOREVS.

FEBRUARY 2015

Well I believe this was our "CLOSURE" month? We had our closure back then. But eventually ending up being back to each other's arms. During the first weeks of this month, I started drinking. I met PADRE GANG. I made friends with different people. I started my OJT with CVG ALA3 (REPRESENT!) This month, I think it's more about meeting new people, making friends and connecting with them.

HIGHLIGHT: DREAMTEAM, PADRE GANG, GROUP DYNAMICS

MARCH 2015

To be honest I don't remember anything remarkable in this month. Parang so, so lang. I think the most memorable stuff that happened this month is when Sandy and I surprised Karl on his birthday (?) or when we attended Shan's birthday party.

HIGHLIGHT: MEET THE FAMILY WITH KARL.

APRIL 2015

This month, a lot had happened. More on I think good. This month was so eventful and IDK why I don't have any entries in my planner sa month na to. This month, I had my 2nd and last Sampaguita, graduation, been accepted to my first job ever, Earth Day Jam with my Love! 

HIGHLIGHT: SAMPAGUITA, GRADUATED, EMPLOYED.

MAY 2015

This month, we found out that Karl will be leaving the PH on the first week of June. I was really sad. Sobra syempre. Another remarkable thing that happened is my FIRST PAY DAY ever. I was so happy that I decided to buy clothes and bags. Hahaha. Sobrang shopaholic? 

HIGHLIGHT: FIRST PAY DAY AND SECOND PAY DAY! 

JUNE 2015

This is my birthday month. I just realized how lucky I was during this month kasi ang dami kong HIRES. However, I was truly sad kasi Karl left on a Saturday and the week after nun it was my birthday na. So di man lang umabot. But anyways, this month, my sister and Zekey and Mikay (who was inside sissie's tummy) went home. Sobrang happy lang. At least nadivert yung emotions ko. 

HIGHLIGHT: Birthday celeb with officemates, SISSIE KAY and ZEKEY'S ARRIVAL. VICTORY

JULY 2015

HIGH LIGHT: Welcome to the world Yvanna Mikayla! 

AUGUST 2015

HIGHLIGHT: 4th ANNIVERSARY!

SEPTEMBER 2015

Nothing really special happened

OCTOBER 2015

HIGHLIGHT: EXTENSION.

Mukha akong tinamad over the last months. But to be honest, I don't even remember what happened over the last months. Parang lumipas lang yung mga months na yun and I dont even remember any remarkable thing that happened on those months.

Syempre I never shared my realizations over the months mentioned. More on highlights of those months. But THANK YOU is not enough sa mga blessings na nareceive ko over those months. Financially, in my career, in my lovelife, family, friends. A lot had happened. 

I really learned a lot. Over the past months, I realized how I changed as a person. I chose to be more matured. Pilit kung baga, because I have no choice but to act like an adult. Over the past months, I learned who the real friends are. Over the past months, I realized what love is, how love works. And lastly over the past few months I can say that I am closer to God. 

I know, I have plenty of things to learn, I have plenty of things na maeencounter, more realizations and reflections. I just can't put it in to words as what I've said in my previous post, my thoughts are messier than my place. 

Messy place, messier thoughts

My thoughts are messier than my place. I've been trying to pack my things here in this place I call home and soon to be my former home.

I've been feeling so emotional leaving this place because every corners of this unit saw the happiest, saddest, shittiest and best moments/version of my life/myself. I feel really sad while I was packing some of the things kasi it's just like in the movies you know. Yung nagpapack ka and every corner some memory will flashback right before my eyes.

CABINET

So first I started packing my pambahay clothes. And suddenly I remembered how my college barkada used to find clothes to wear while they're here in the unit kasi they want their uniforms as white as it was when they went here. I remember how they decided to bring their own clothes here para they have something to wear whenever they stay here or sleep here in the condo. I remember fixing my clothes and my bags during my first days here cos' I was so excited moving in this place!

KITCHEN

Then I started packing the things in the kitchen. I remember when I used to cook breakfast for Karl the night before he told me na there was someone else making him happy. I even cooked a heart-shaped sunny side up egg for him. Hahahaha! Kainis. I remembered cooking food while Karl and Shan are drinking and watching PBA. I remembered cooking on my 20th birthday and how I ruined the pasta cos I'm really not into cooking. I remembered cooking for our 3rd anniversary and I dont even have any idea how to cook pasta. Basta I just did.

BALCONY

Then I got tired, and here I am blogging and jotting down my thoughts. There are a lot of memories here in Balcony. Happy, sad, exciting, painful. I remembered having (what we thought was) our last dinner together cos I chose the wrong guy over him, I remembered the night when he told me that there's someone else, how we broke up and see (what, again, we thought was) the last fireworks we'll ever watch together, then after a few months how all of a sudden, there was a fireworks, right then and there where we last saw it. I remembered all the YB moments after we had our dinner. How my friends and I used to drink here, get drunk, someone even wanted to jump cos she's too drunk.

Sobrang dami talagang memories. If only there was a hidden CCTV camera here. I'd be happy to watch it. Pero siguro everything will just be memories. Some memories are better not be recorded, mas maganda na lang alalahanin. Imagine what happened.

A lot of things happened in this unit. Happy, sad, painful, exciting, stressful, amazing. But I have to leave this place, I have to leave this place.

Maybe, just maybe, we have to let go of some place, things, memories, to make a room for new place, new things, new memories, new people.

Nevertheless, I will always love this place. I will always call this place my home.

Leave

I've been dying to leave the office. I'm really not happy anymore with what I am doing, where I am, the people around me. I feel like I am trapped and there's no way out.

Medjo annoyed pa ko dun sa isang kaofficemate ko. Tho I understand her sentiments naman, I understand her reason why she doesn't want me to leave. Kaso kasi, I, myself don't see myself growing and enjoying in the company.

Yes, I know I am lucky to have a job kung saan probationary yung status ko, I'm happy to have a job. Pero hindi na ko happy sa gingawa ko and I don't see myself growing, I think I'm doing them a favor by leaving kasi I'm not even a good asset in their company since I can't meet my targets.

I've gained a lot of knowledge in that company, pero I lost a lot of self confidence, esteem and everything in between in that company. Sobrang nahihirapan ako and people kept on saying things that hurts me or that makes me feel less of a person.

So ayun, I want to move and leave this place. Because I am no longer happy.

THROWBACK

So I was re-reading my old blog posts. Natatawa na lang ako sa mga nasulat ko. Maybe this is a sign that I've moved on. Kasi I was able to laugh at all the things that happened. Pero ayun, while I was re-reading my old posts, there's this entry na sobrang feeling ko tinutusok tusok pa din yung puso ko.

Tapos nun, nung nakahiga na kami I looked him in the eyes and we had this conversation:
Me: Diba, sabi mo kaya ka pumunta dito kasi gusto mong linawin yung mga bagay na hindi malinaw sakin? Ngayon gusto kong malaman kung ano ba tayo ngayon? Ano bang status natin ngayon?
Tapos hindi siya makasagot. Tas nakatingin siya sakin and naiiyak siya.
Me: Sagutin mo. Kasi  gusto ko lang malaman para malinaw sakin.Karl: Wala na. *cries*

Wala lang. Syempre ang sakit nung line. na "wala na." Instantly, all the heartaches, bumalik. Parang naramdaman ko nanaman. And suddenly, feeling ko bumalik nanaman ako sa panahon na yun.

Grabe. Grabe lang talaga. Feeling ko di ko na talaga kakayanin kapag nangyari pa yun.