Day 1

Day 1 of giving time has been so hard for me.

It was a mistake to open his FB account because I invaded his privacy. But I haven't, I wouldn't know about it. Ganun pala yung feeling when you know the person you love cheated on you no? Sobrang sakit. You cant succumb the pain. Pero you have to endure the pain because you cannot do anything about it.

I break down and cried in front of Jy. As much as I do not want to tell her everything, I just had to because I just cannot hide this any longer. As much as I want to keep all things private, I know that I have to say it to someone just so I can release the pain. Sobrang sakit talaga. I don't know what to do. And know I do not know where to stand.

Another thing that pains me is when I confronted him and the way he talks, yung parang he's not guilty at all. It's like he's making me feel that I deserve this or "O diba ang sakit?!." I know it's wrong din naman to expect him to tell me everything since we're not really together na. Pero it still hurts eh. I never thought that this will happen to me and ironically the person who fought for me would do this to me. Of all the people.

I ended up telling it to my sisters and to my mother that I'm not okay and that I'm so heart broken. But I didn't tell them the details. Sobrang medjo naease yung pain because surprisingly my mom didn't got mad at me. She always checks up on me if I'm okay at humanap daw ako ng matangkad! Hahaha. As for my sisters, they told me that maybe Karl wants me to fight for him the way he did before to me.

Then yesterday I decided to go out, to just have a breathe of fresh air because I can't stay in this condo alone. It brings back a lot of memories that as much as possible I do not want to remember and to think of right now. So I went to starbucks and decided to start doing my schoolworks but I ended up surfing net.

Then Karl texted me and we spoke ng maayos. I thanked him for calling me and checking up on me and told him that I am really sorry for invading his privacy and disrespecting it. I told him that I'll give him the time that he needs and that I'll fight for him hangga't kaya ko, hangga't nakikita ko siyang sumaya. I told him na wag sanang sasama yung loob niya kapag dumating ynug araw na tumigil ako kapag pinili niya si Sandy. Because I know that she'll make him happy and that he deserves to be happy. He told me that he needs me as best friend and I tried my best to not be biased and gave him an advice.

Tapos I went to Greenbelt Chapel to attend the mass. Sobrang nilift up ko talaga kay God lahat ng pain na nararamdaman ko. I asked for his guidance and help and I really took the homily seriously. Ang galing nga ng timing ni Lord, just in time for the pain. It gave me hope na magiging okay din ako. In His timing. I know, I know His plans are bigger and better than mine. Sabi sa homily that happiness can be found after the pain and struggles. Second, happiness can be found in yourself. Happiness can be found in happiness. After the mass, I went home na.

Then I chatted with my mom and told her about me being so heart broken. Sobrang naiiyak talaga ako nun kasi I've never opened up to my family before about my problems. And knowing me, looking at the positive and brighter side, medjo masaya ako because this made me feel closer to my family and be more open to them. I realized that I shouldn't keep things to them. Nakakapanghinayang lang because mom's not mad when she knew that I had a boyfriend, parang nanghinayang pa nga siya because she wasn't able to meet Karl. Pero siguro, in time. Kung magiging kami ulit.

Then before I sleep, Karl texted me again. Tapos ayun we said our goodnights. He said I love you. Pakshet kilig :"). Pero ayoko na masyadong umasa, ayoko ng masaktan. Charot. Enough na lang siguro yung pain na nararamdaman ko ngayon.

To be honest, di ko lang din talaga alam gagawin ko. I cannot sleep last night, kasi every time I close my eyes, I keep on imagining Karl's face and Sandy's face and how happy they are going to be together. Every time I close my eyes, it's not Karl and I that I see. It's Sandy and Karl and it hurts. Grabe, pag tulog nalang hinahaunt pa din nila ako. Nakakaiyak.

I honestly don't know what to do right now. I'm back to square one. To figuring how to be okay and to endure the pain. I don't know what will happen kung bumalik si Karl. I don't know if I can still look in to him, I don't know how to kiss or touch or hug him. I don't know kung kaya kong maibalik yung trust na binigay ko sa kanya. I just don't know if I could do the things that we did before. Kasi ganto pala talaga kahirap when your trust is so broken.

I actually dont know if I want him to come back or if I want to move on. All I know right know is that the STRUGGLE IS SO FUCKING REAL!!!!!! Ang sakit sakit na talaga. Sa sobrang sakit sometimes I feel so numb. Yung tipong kapag ako nalang mag-isa tinatanong ko yung sarili ko kung "ano masakit pa ba?! Oy puso masakit ka pa ba?!" Tapos alam mo sagot sakin? "Ewan ko. Wala akong maramdaman." SERYOSO KASI TO :( Huhuhu. Totoo talaga. Pero higit sa lahat ng yan, alam ko sa sarili kong MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL ko talaga si Karl.