Wishful thinking

I am sort of jealous. envious.

I know it's so wrong in so many levels to feel envious and to feel jealous of someone. That instead of supporting them and feel happy that they are able to achieve and to fulfill their dreams, you feel that someone took your own place.

The things is, I would really love to be a doctor. It's a lifetime dream. I really want to study. How I would like and love to explore every single veins, roots, bones, organs, hormones, and parts of our body.

I feel like I am wasting my time being in this industry. Maybe the reason why I am not enjoying my stay here, why I am not growing and succeeding is that it's not really the field where I wanted to be. Maybe I am really for medical field.

And how my ego and my confidence is really at its lowest point as I can't even succeed, meet the targets and meet the expectation around me.

A lot of people are telling me that I am really lucky to find a job a week or weeks after graduation. Yes, I am grateful. Really. I am really thankful that I was given an opportunity to have a job, to be on a probationary status and to earn money.

How I wish my dad was not terminated with his job. How I wish the company wasn't sold to any other company, and how I wish I passed the entrance exams, and entered the med school. But all of these are just my wishful thinking. All of these will just fade.

Maybe I am just going to grow old, unable to fulfill her dreams.